This past week has been crazy-stressful. Apparently I have to be registered as an Exceptional Family Member for the Marines, because I haven’t been cancer-free for at least five years. So I logged on to MD Anderson website to print my diagnosis, and I checked the report I had on July 3rd. You know, the one that said there was no evidence of disease.
When I went to the doctor the last time, there was a two hour delay on the MRI, so when I met with my radio-oncologist she gave me a preliminary read because the official report was not done yet. Sooo when I went to read my last report, you can imagine how infuriated I was to see that the official report said that there was still residual tumor showing in my brain. That was a really hard day. And week.
My mom called patient advocacy, and my radio-oncologist called me the next day. She gave a very nonchalant apology for not calling after the report was in, and said that because of the type of tumor I had, it looks like there is still some left. She said it could also be dead brain tumor cells or post-surgical scarring, but there is no way to tell. So I have to continue being monitored every three months to see if the tumor is growing. If it starts to grow or if I start to have symptoms again, I’ll probably have to have chemo because I already had the best surgeon internationally operate on a difficult location and he couldn’t access all of it… And I can’t do radiation again. Sooo thanks for NOT telling me that I might still have cancer. Smh.
So I’ve been really frustrated. I’ve been dealing with this for 13 years, and it feels like it won’t go away. And I’m so afraid of dying a slow and painful death, leaving my husband, my family, my kids that I hope to have one day… soon. Lol. I’ve been feeling really discouraged, but this week has been better than last.
My brother and I were messaging each other and he said something that really blessed me, lifted my spirits: “I regret to hear that. That has to be tough, but look at how many people have been blessed by your endurance. I am learning that many times our suffering causes others to be healed. It is a tough road but suffering keeps us humble and broken. Suffering causes us to cry out to God. Your suffering has brought others close to Jesus Christ. You can make it. You are a fighter. God is with you. Be encouraged sis.”
I worked with a therapist on Wednesday, who I love by the way, and she told me not to be discouraged. She said that the strongest people get the hardest struggles, and that God uses them to bless other people and give them humility. She said more stuff too, but it was really awesome. I didn’t even know her, and she said like… everything I really needed to hear. I have been blessed to have a really amazing husband, friends, brothers and parents. They like, really have my back and I appreciate them so much.
